Something has been on my mind lately, so true to my style, I will write about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence, I find it intriguing since I’m one of those people for whom it doesn’t come naturally. The older I get, the more apparent it becomes that confidence is essential in all walks of life. Wherever we are engaging with others, confidence plays a major role in how these interactions play out; it is worth a mention.
The word Confidence carries the weight of all the other words it is associated with: self-esteem, self-worth, courage, charisma and more. Its about believing in your ability to succeed. While these words are often used interchangeably, the kind of Confidence I’m referring to is the visible confidence. The kind that performs well with an audience. The kind we associate with people who sound like they’ve always had their way. These are people won’t hesitate to speak their mind, without fear of the consequences, the ones who say what everyone is thinking, the ones are not afraid to be visible when it matters. We love these people but sometimes hate their guts. This confidence is attractive because not only does it shine bright, it also invites people in. I have been bisecting it for a while and I’m finally starting to understand it.
There are many reasons why confidence is a struggle, I can speak on mine. I grew up with the idea that only those with merit deserve to take up space. That the spotlight is reserved for those with intellect, wealth, power and beauty; The ones whose merit stands the test of criticism. As for the rest of us, we are meant to be ordinary; content in the shadows. Moreover, being an introverted observer, these ideals simply gave me permission to stay where I’m most comfortable; in my own lane. All this combined with chronic overthinking made the idea of being visible extremely unappealing. These are my reasons, yours may be different but if you really examine them, you’ll find that they are all defense mechanisms; defenses against criticism, rejection, the unknown. Funny thing about defenses is that they keep everything out; the good and the bad, opportunities along with threats.
A lot of literature around Confidence focuses on the self, ‘Belive in yourself’, ‘Value yourself’ … and so forth. While it should help in theory, I’ve found that it doesn’t work for me, infact it puts my overthinking brain into overdrive. I wanted to share what has worked for me, maybe it will work for you.
You matter.
I’ve heard this a lot but for the longest time, I found hard to identify with. Surely other people matter more than me, the ones with more credibility, they must have higher ranking in the totem pole, right? There must be an imaginary totem pole, right? I would always come up short with this ridiculous self-assessment. I now know better; there is no totem pole and even if there was one, it has little bearing on how much you’re valued. There is a place for flaws and imperfections, and it is in there that connections happens. Perfect people are inspiring but more often than not, we’d rather connect with relatable people than be inspired. Let the world see you, all parts of you, because you matter.
Work the system.
A lot of what we allude to as confidence is just people working in the system. By “working”, I mean playing an active role in the system. We often hear stories and fill in the blanks with some kind of inaccessible superpower we call confidence, ussually inaccurately. The person you think is not afraid to speak their mind has simply done it enough times to consider it a calculated risk. The person who has the guts to influence, doesn’t overthink it, they were (or maybe positioned themselves) in the right place and time to play that role. Working the system puts you in the right frame of mind to be confident. There is little room for anxiety and overthinking when you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do.
About your audience.
Do you fear being seen? Do you think you will be punished for saying the wrong thing? Do you believe your input is not needed since others know more?
I used to have the same doubts, until I took the time to understand them. At the root of all these doubts is perfectionism, this idea that the world always expects perfection. I used to think that too, until I realized all these fears were imaginary. They are a defense mechanism triggered by lack of information about your audience. Without sufficient data, the brain proactively prepares for any reaction it may receive. We strive for perfection because its supposed to have the least resistance. That works for sometime until eventually you learn that your audience is imperfect, just like you. We are all imperfect beings just doing our best. We listen to strangers because we are naturally curious. We give the benefit of the doubt because more often than not we are working with limited information. We have too many anxieties of our own to care about how imperfect others are. I know, allowing yourself to be seen is a rare kind of vulnerability that triggers defense mechanisms into overdrive. I hope you remember this, the next time you feel the need to hide.
I strongly believe the world would be a better place if more of us were more confident. By us, I specifically mean people like me, the overthinkers. Here’s why: there is the obvious benefit that your ideas are more thoughtful and potentially more helpful. The non-obvious silver lining is that the world will see you. I know that sounds like hell but hear me out. I know you want nothing to do with the spotlight but I do know that you want some people to see you, your people. Self-actualization hinges on self-expression, Maslow’s words, not mine. This is your sign, Show up (confidently!) so your people can find you.
PS: I took an intentional break from blogging to try a different genre of writing, Stay tuned. I’m so excited to share it soon. Stay subscribed and follow my writing page if you are invested.