It was then that I realized that even though we frequented the same venues and did similar things, our experiences could not be further apart.
I can’t tell exactly when this happened or what triggered it; it could have been a suprising text from a friend, unexpected news or casual socialization. There has been so many similar incidences where my assumptions about the world were challenged. This assumption is that most people think like me. Unless proven otherwise most prople make the same assumption. Its only natural since we are constantly exposed to ourselves and like-minded people. So on most days I walk around projecting that people care deeply about what they talk about, that they think hard about the consequences of their actions and given the choice they’d rather have more control of their destiny. Time and time again, I’m reminded how wrong that is. Those are simply traits of a highly sensitive introvert, also known as an empath. You might be one too if any of these apply to you.
- You are very comfortable in your own head, infact its your favorite place to be.
Living in your head brings out the best in you, so you prefer to stay there whenever possible. Pair that with engaging activities that keep you in flow and you are golden. Its normal for you to disappear for a few hours or even days. You find yourself drawn to hobbies that give you space to do just that. I’m looking at you runners, readers, crafters and creative hobbyists.
- You feel all the things, very deeply.
Your experience of anything tends to somewhat magnified; be it sensory or emotional. Its like walking around with a loudspeaker and every bit of stress, anxiety, grief, pain, boredom, relief, euphoria … you name it, has the potential to blow up. It doesn’t stop at your own experiences you absorb others’ emotions too. You actually sense and feel their emotions as your own. When triggered, you don’t simply move on. You have to mull over it, make sense of it, write a blog about it (Guilty as charged!) before you can finally let it go.
- You repel crowds at all costs.
Its not because you don’t care but rather you care too much. That level of caring only scales to a group of 3, may be 4. Crowds offer a lot to feel and a lot more to recover from. You speak a different language from the crowd lovers. While the noise energizes them, it overwhelms you.
- You don’t like conflict.
The idea of having to defend yourself sounds exhausting. Conflicts brings about criticism and other opportunities to hurt you and that doesn’t play well on your loudspeaker. In the heat of moment, you’re not only processing your own feelings but also absorbing other people’s too. There is really no configuration where that would be remotely fun.
Photo by Milin John on Unsplash
- Nature is your happy place.
Any break from overstimulation is a happy place, especially nature. You feel at home moving through the woods or starring into the horizon by yourself. It’s a soothing place filled with beauty and devoid of conflict. You can still be in your head with a good distraction. Some of us go a step further and run ridiculous distances while at it 😆, trust me some of us were born to run ultras.
- You are very independent.
Its a survival instinct and not a particularly bad one. Dealing with people takes a lot from you so you minimize it as much as possible. Unless absolutely necessary, you prefer to work with what you have. There are downsides to this mode of operating, but the alternative is a lot scarier.
- You are a good listener.
Your favorite part of any conversation is listening. You care, you have deep understanding of what they are going through, you are absorbing their emotions as they speak. You are everyone’s favorite person to talk to. The catch is you can’t be everyone’s favorite, otherwise you’ll burn out. There are very few people you’ve granted access to and to the rest of the world, you remain a mystery wrapped in enigma.
If you exhibit any of these symptoms, you might be entitled to compensation and a new title 😄. Forget all the labels that highlight your oddities, you will now be known as the observer. The observer is someone who prefers to watch rather than participate in the circus. For all the reasons stated above, this preference makes sense but it is not always clear to the rest of the world. From the outside, the observer appears to be super intense, a little fragile and somewhat neurotic. They are easily misunderstood and because self-expression is a struggle, it takes a while to flip the script. I know you are simply doing your best. I’d like to share a few observations that have helped me cope.
- Most people are not inherently bad; bad experience are often a result of the slime mould phenomenon. Learn to distinguish the two.
- Conflict is like resistance training, it sucks in the moment but eventually it makes you stronger.
- In theory you can be completely independent, but not in practice. You have emotional needs and those are often fulfilled by other people.
- Perception is not always correlated with action. Unfortunate but hard reality of life. Even when you do nothing, people will make up narratives that fit their mental models. Sometimes it is actually necessary to tell your story.
- Yes you love your peace of mind, but there is a time and place for chaos too. At the very least it helps you appreciate the calm more.
- Forget all you know about prductivity when it comes to relationships. Relationships are all about making time and space.
- Exposing yourself to scary things reduces their importance. Every so often try exposing yourself to rejection, awkward silences and meaningless banter.
As an observer I know you have good intuition and this post is not news to you. That’s not why I wrote it. I wrote it to remind you you are not alone, never have been, never will be. Most people can’t relate to your struggles because we are the minority. It helps to have awareness with which to filter your experiences. If I can fake make it,so can you. Go be the best observer you can be!
