One day you’re going about your mundane life then seemingly out of nowhere, you stumble upon a concept and life is never the same again. I don’t remember where I read it from but I haven’t been able to unsee it since. It comes to my mind everytime I suprise people by what I say. This is the idea of the two personas we all carry: the essential self and the social self. There may be overlap between them but the only guaranteed similarity is that they are part of you. The moments you remember, the really interesting ones happen when they collide. Let me elaborate.
If we met in real life we would talk about a lot of things: the weather, your sports team, my home country, things I’ve shared in the past or things I’m comfortable sharing. I wouldn’t want to go deep because that could get awkward; my lizard brain is programmed to avoid awkwardness and the disapproval it signifies. Once upon a time societal approval was necessary for survival but I digress. In this particular situation, what I would be presenting is my social self. This is the part of me that is most convenient for you; highly edited, effectively modularized to make sense in your reality. She doesn’t talk much but when she does, she will talk about everything but what’s really going on in her head. What preoccupies her mind is a whole other world, albeit fragile; that’s the essential self.
The essential self is made of the invisible stuff. Its not my credentials, or my job or my social status. Its not the things I do but the motivation behind the things. Its what I’m thinking about unprompted, the traits I was born with, the person I’m becoming. It is made of my hopes, dreams and best kept secrets. The essential self is inaccessible to everyone but me. People in close circles get front row seats but even they don’t see the full picture. In the absense of data, they’ll project from their personas (just like you would :) ). Introverts like myself love hanging out with this persona and for good reason; It is so much less effort to just be: unedited, unfiltered, unmodularized.
The essential self sees a straight path towards self-actualization but the real world is a lot more squiggly. Fulfillment in the real world requires both personas, mainly because we are essentially different. Its easy to assume that we want the same things, especially when we have a thing or two in common. Time and time again, we are reminded of how unique are. It’s the reason why your friends’ desicions shocked you; they weren’t hiding, you were simply projecting. The social self bridges that gap with intentional and authentic communication; major emphasis on the bold. The essential self might be all high and mighty but it lives in dreamland. It needs the social self to exist in the real world. I don’t make the rules, I just know it to be true. Here is an example; say dancing is a big part of your essential self. You may dance all you want but only after sharing does it become your identity. (Dance is a metaphor for anything that’s important to you.) The social self goes long way to garner support, community and collaboration.
Now that you’ve meant your demons, what can you do about it? Two things: make the social self more authentic, allow the essential self to be vulnerable. It might not materialize your dreams nor will it protect you from misery, but I guarantee you’ll have a good time.