I recently came across this video of a penguin, call him Walker, committing suicide by running away from it all; the colony, the ocean, sustenance and everything that is essential for survival. On the surface, it doesn’t make any sense, penguins are among the social creatures on earth. If nothing else, he should have wanted to stay in the colony. We can’t know for sure what was happening in his mind but we can make educated guesses. My guess is this was an introvert penguin, a polar bear in a penguins’ skin so to speak. He didn’t fit in, never found other penguins like himself, so he felt isolated despite living in the same physical space. He felt more and more alone until one day he had had enough, wandering into certain death felt like a much better option. I say that with some certainity because I see myself in Walker, I can relate to him in more ways than one.
In the slight chance that it wasn’t obvious, I’m gonna confess that I’m an introvert. If the amount of time I spend running doesn’t give it away then perhaps the time I spend writing or just generally being my own company should. Like Walker, I’m a sensitive introvert who doesn’t really fit in an extremely social society. I need lots of alone time to process and respond to stimuli, and that means I move at a different cadence than most. I gravitate to as much independence as possible because it is efficient and sometimes necessary for survival. In many ways I can relate to Walker but I consider myself lucky. First because I’m not 100% polar bear; having a slightly lower degree of introversion means I don’t completely repulse people. Second, its easier for me to find fellow misfits. There are more introvert humans than penguins and I’m not confined to my “colony”, I have access to many of us world-wide. Third, as much as my brain tells me otherwise, over the years I have learnt to embrace the entropy and chaos that comes with being social.
It is biologically good for us to be around people. Study after study has shown how much social time boosts immunity, promotes recovery and that the opposite, loneliness, is equivalent to smocking 50 cigarettes a day. It is psychologically good for us to feel connected because nothing else provides the same validation and boost as trekking through life together. Connections also make us get out of our heads, which is good for us, despite how much we love parking there. Our minds may be right most of the time but sometimes they make us do dumb things like run into the abyss. Last not beast, some people can be fun to be around, emphasis on some; no one can be everyone’s cup of tea. There is a reason solitary confinement is reserved for the most crooked criminals. We were not designed for extreme isolation, yet often times that’s the sentence we give ourselves. I mean, we are introverts not masochists, why do we do this to ourselves?
Short answer; its hard, long answer; its complicated. We love making deep connections with people but to get to that we have to swim in shallow end for a while and that is a lot more draining. We have to wade through the noise, small talk, rude people, people we had no business knowing and everything in between before getting to the good part. That is not possible without continous effort, lots of patience and some tolerance for inefficiency and the challenge doesn’t even stop there. Underneath all the vocabulary we use to connect are the words “I need you”, which sound like blasphemy when you are wired for independence. Hiding behind the facade of social norms is so much easier. It takes a great deal of courage and vulnerability to stand up to fear of rejection but when you do, you break into new ground, regardless of the outcome you’ll have new information. Its like the hard workout you keep putting off, sure it puts you in highly awkward and uncomfortable positions but in the end you feel stronger, happier and wonder why it took you so long.
This post is as much a note to self as a letter to my fellow introverts. I see you, I hear you, I am you. When you feel like a misfit know that you’re not alone. You have it so much better than Mr. Walker. Holiday season is upon us and that comes with a host of emotions; overwhelm, guilt, loneliness, regret; you name it. I hope you still find the courage to put yourself out there and find your people. Enola Holmes said it best,
No one should be alone all the time
