Whoever invented the term ‘good grief’ was clearly delusional. These are two words that should never go into the same sentence. Nothing about grief feels good. Nope, not the shock, denial, sadness, powerlessness or fear all bundled up into one hot mess. Its an intense bundle and that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is experiencing it all while world moves on. Your whole world may have turned upside down but the sun continues to shine, wheels keep churning, the music doesn’t stop.
People will say ‘Sorry for your loss’ and that’s probably all they can do. They certainly can’t revert death nor can they empathize with your loss. You just lost a loved one and the piece of you that had a relationship with them. Like a horcrux, that piece is something that was unique to you. This is why grief can be extremely lonely. Even if the whole world is mourning with you, we lost different horcuxes. ‘Sorry for your loss’ might not be consolation we want but it will have to do.
Despite it being a universal phenomena since the beginning of time, we don’t really know how to process death nor talk about it. We rationalize it with ‘They were old, they were sick, it was their time, …’ etc. As long as those things don’t apply to us, we are safe, immortal for just a little longer. A reminder of our own futility is too close for comfort so for practical reasons, we brush it off. We fall back to distractions and sleepwalking because the alternative, waking up, is too uncomfortable.
You should know by now that discomfort is good. Every once in a while I invite you to sit in it, allow yourself to feel it, listen to it. Sit long enough and you’ll hear what its asking of you. Are you living a fulfilled life? Would you be content with today being your last? On the other side of discomfort is crystal clarity, perhaps the closest we can get to healing. Clarity replaces sleepwalking with intentionality which brings fulfillment, the antidote to misery.
As we head into the new year, I invite you to be uncomfortable. Before you resolve to the defaults of getting skinnier and richer, stop and think about death. Resolve to think about the kind of life you want leading up to it. Having gone through it recently, I can tell you for sure it will be as intense as a HIIT workout and as miserable as a breakup but it will be worth it. The only way out is through.